21 – To chemo or not to chemo

It’s been a very difficult week. I saw the oncologist on Friday and we went through the pro’s and con’s of chemo, the oncologist felt that; due to my age, the fact that the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and a few other reasons that I really should go ahead and have the chemo. So the decision was made to go ahead with chemo, and we went through a whole lot of info with the nurse – some of which we need to re-visit as we just didn’t understand it all clearly. So that is a job for this week.

Tuesday was spent mostly at the hospital getting a port put in – unfortunately that was the day I fell apart. So much so the nurse went and got Pat from the waiting room to help comfort me. This was while I was waiting to go in to my operation for the port (done under local anaesthetic). Unfortunately I think not having time to process everything, and not wanting to have the chemo has made this week hard – especially as my shoulder is very sore from having the port put in – my vein was deep so it took a long time to find it and I had to have multiple needles to numb my shoulder. Though the nurses who come in daily to change the dressing are very happy with how it is all healing.

So here I am 4 days later (mum arrived on Friday from Australia) still trying to decide if I am going to go ahead with the chemo, I understand why the oncologist has recommended it, but part of me still wants to just run away and hide and not to have to go through it. To me, chemo is basically terrifying and I’m not sure why. I understand a lot about it, I know I’m not going to feel sick every day and I’m going to be having anti-nausea tablets on my treatment days, I’m not worried about losing my hair, but I really, really, really just don’t want to be doing this. Please note that not wanting to do this doesn’t mean that I’m not going to, but at this stage I’m just not in a good place and that is what I want to change, I want to get my head into a much better place before my first chemo session.

So that is where I’m at, sorry it’s not a more uplifting blog, but the reality is sometimes life just sucks!

Until next time.

The above was written last Sunday, I’ve since visited the hospital, asked some questions and feel a bit better about things, however I still have moments when the terror takes over. Soon I will know.

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